A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies, "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000." The boy goes and asks his mother, "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies, "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father, "Dad, she said, 'Hell yes I would!'". The father then says, "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000." The boy asks his sister, "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?". The sister replies, "Hell yes I would!". He returns to his father, "Dad, she said, 'Hell yes I would!'". The father answers, "Okay son, here's the deal. Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, "Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
She hesitated a while and said, "Yes, 3 times."
"Three times!? How did it happen?" he asks.
"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time."
"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?"
"It is hard to believe," he said, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you."
She continued, "And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?"
"Of course I remember."
"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?"
"Yes," he said, "that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But tell me, what was the third time?"
She responded, "Do you remember when you ran for Temple president...and needed 23 more votes?"
Caught in a Vise
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man. He says to her, "What's going on?" She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"