Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breath... push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Promised Treasures

My Uncle Ned, all alone, met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses. One day as they were walked down 5th Avenue in New York, they came upon a jewelry store under construction. Peggy looked at my Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me jewels." Uncle Ned proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace. As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop. Peggy looked at Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle Ned picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy. Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, "You promised me beautiful clothes." Uncle Ned replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"

Brains For Sale

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him, "$5/gram for women's brains, $20/gram for dog's brains, and $100/gram for men's brains." So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman, "How come men's brain's are so much more expensive than women's brains or dog's brains?" The saleswoman replies, "Are you kidding!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains?"