Bad Thoughts

A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home. Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, "Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time." "Yeah, I remember those trying times." replied the attorney. "I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?" "Yes, I do." "But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime." "That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?" "Because...I could have been a free woman by now!"

Staggering Wife

Q: What do you do when your wife is staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

Husband's Midlife Crisis

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

• If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him.
• If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.
• If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.
• If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.