Wedding Toasts

• A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
• A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look who she married!
• A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
• A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
• A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
• A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
• Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
• Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't lie down.
• Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
• Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
• After a moment of quite repose it's tum to tum and toes to toes after a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night.
• All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
• All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.
• Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy.
• The story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...
• And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
• Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
• As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.
• As you slide down the banister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.
• Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 
• Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.
• Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
• Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
• Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.
• Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day.
• Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.
• Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
• Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
• Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
• Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
• Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
• Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.

Cure for a Headache

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.
"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blow job. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

Morning Gas

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."