Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Shark Week - Lender
Q: To whom do fish go to borrow money?
A: The loan shark!
Old Lady At The Bank
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets on different things with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
A Redneck buys a Powerball ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to claim his money and the clerk verifies his winning number. The Redneck says "I want my $524 Million." The clerk replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out over the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the clerk patiently explains that he would only get one million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the clerk, screams out, "I WANT MY MONEY! If you're not going to give me my $524 million 'right now,' THEN I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS BACK!"