Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" He calls up the lawyer. "Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?" The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?" The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..." "Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!" The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..." "Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?" The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..." "The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job. One day, a woman comes to the stand, "Hey, sonny, how much do those cigarettes cost?" "I don't know", replies the stupid cashier. The woman leaves unsatisfied. The boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!" "10 cents? I will have to remember that" said the cashier. The next day, another woman comes "hey sonny, how much do those cigarettes cost?" "10 cents ma'am" "Really? Are they fresh?" "I don't know...?" So the woman leaves. The boss, having spied this, screams "WELL OF COURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?" So the cashier memorizes "Yes, very fresh" The next day, another woman comes and says "Hello dear, now much do those cigarettes cost?" "10 cents" He replies. "Are they fresh?" "Very fresh" "Should I buy them?" "I don't know" So the woman leaves. The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again "YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you don't, somebody else will' OK?" "Okay, gotcha boss" So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun. He goes up to the cash register and screams "HEY, how much money is in that cash register?" "10 cents sir" "WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?" "Yes, very fresh sir" "SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?" "If you don't, somebody else will."
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone.
"The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that!?!"