Father's Professions

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher decided to get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living. The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy said: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic." Then another little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. The kid blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

Grandma's Pills

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"  The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."

Finding the Perfect Wife

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like!"