Finding the Perfect Wife
A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like!"
Get out of Bed
A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school. She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast. "No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!" "You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds. "No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky." "You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns. "Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks. The mother is about to lose her patience. "Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"
Your Mom is the Best in Town
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"
Man Eating Lion
Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!
Sisters Growing Old
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together. One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled. The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters, she shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure. Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."