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The best jokes and joke writers!

Baby Bear Wants to Live Somewhere Else

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." "You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Psychoanalysis

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and.. and... and you know, he's a married man!"

The Mom Dictionary

  • AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.
  • ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
  • APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
  • BABY: 1- Dad, when he gets a cold. 2- Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
  • BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
  • BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
  • BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
  • CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
  • CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
  • COOK: 1- Act of preparing food for consumption. 2- Mom's other name.
  • COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.
  • DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
  • DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
  • DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
  • DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
  • EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
  • EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
  • EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
  • ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
  • "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
  • EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
  • FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
  • FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
  • FROZEN: 1- A type of food. 2- How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
  • GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
  • GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
  • GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
  • HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
  • HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
  • HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
  • HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
  • HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
  • ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
  • INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
  • "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom
  • JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
  • JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
  • "JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"
  • JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
  • JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.
  • KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
  • KISS: Mom medicine.
  • LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
  • LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
  • LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
  • LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
  • MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
  • MAYBE: No.
  • MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
  • "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
  • MUSH: 1- What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2- Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
  • NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
  • OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
  • OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
  • OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
  • PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.
  • PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
  • PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
  • PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
  • PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.
  • QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
  • RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
  • REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
  • ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
  • SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
  • SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
  • SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
  • SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
  • TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
  • TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
  • TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
  • TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
  • VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
  • WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
  • WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.
  • "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
  • XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
  • ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Daddy Going to War

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating. We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy." 

Father's Professions

On the first day of school in Houston, a teacher decided to get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living. The first little girl said: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy said: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic." Then another little boy said: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approached Jimmy privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. The kid blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."