Park Registration Sheet Comments

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

• Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
• Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
• Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
• All the mile markers are missing this year.
• Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
• Trail needs to be reconstructed.
• Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
• Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs.Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
• Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
• Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
• The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
• A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call __ __ __.
• Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
• Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
• Need more signs to keep area pristine.
• A McDonalds would be nice at the trail head.
• The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
• I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
• Too many rocks in the mountains.

Oregon Crazy Law

• Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
• Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
• Looking for more dumb laws?
• Dishes must drip dry.
• It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
• You may not pump your own gas in service stations.
• The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.
• One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e.,that which covers one's body from neck to knee.
• Beaverton- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.
• Eugene- It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.
• It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays.
• (Repealed in the 1970s) Hood River Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.
• Klamath Falls- It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.
• Portland- People may not whistle underwater.
• It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink.
• (Repealed in 1989) You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.
• Marion- Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
• Myrtle Creek- One may not box with a kangaroo.
• Salem- Women may not wrestle in Salem.
• Springfield- It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.
• Stanfield- No more than two people may share a single drink.
• Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.

CHOCOLATE

Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible. It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough.
copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com