Light Bulb - New Yorker

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. What are you -- stupid?

Job Security

A lot of people stuck their neck out to make sure my grandad kept his job as executioner during the French Revolution.

Old School Friend

I saw an old school friend today and he started bragging about his well paid job, his flashy expensive car and his enormous house. Then he took a photo out of his wallet, showed it to me and said, "That's my wife, isn't she beautiful?"
I looked it at and said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife." He said, "Why, is she a stunner?” I said, "No, she's a fucking optometrist!"