Phrases For Everyday Life

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." (Leave air holes.)
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

You Might Be A Redneck

You might be a redneck if...

• You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
• You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
• Your secret family recipe is illegal.
• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
• Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
• Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
• Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
• You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
• Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
• Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

Good Advice

• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

• NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

• SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

• RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.