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The best jokes and joke writers!

Robert Schmidt

  • I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
  • I moved into an all electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
  • I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
  • I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
  • You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
  • You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
  • I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
  • There aren't enough days in the weekend.
  • My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Light Bulb - Professors

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

How Many Cops?

Q: How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, unless it's a black bulb, then he'll call for backup!

USS Enterprise Crewmembers Lightbulb

Q: How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six.  Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, "I canna do it, Cap'n!".  Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically.  McCoy to say "Dammit, Jim -- I'm a doctor not an electrician!!"  Kirk to screw it in and two red-shirt security officers to die in the process.

Egomaniac Light Bulb

Q: How many egomaniac does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, because the egomaniac can hold the bulb, and the rest of the world will naturally revolve around him.