We're sorry, but it appears that you are using an anonymous proxy. To prevent fraudulent voting, we don't allow votes from anonymous proxies.

This contest requires users to be registered in order to vote.

You must be a registered user to submit a joke.  But registering is FREE and don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address, and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).

You must complete account validation before submitting jokes. Click here to go to your profile page to complete the process.

We’re sorry, but your browser settings indicate that you don’t want to be tracked.  You can either disable that setting or simply register for a FREE account, so we’ll know that you want us to track your preferences and feedback.  Don’t worry, we only need a name and e-mail address and we don’t sell or share your information with any third-parties (see Privacy Policy).


The best jokes and joke writers!

Receptionist

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the STD Clinic."

Phonebook

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Pick-Up Lines Galore

  • I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
  • (Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
  • Nice legs....what time do they open?
  • Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
  • You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?
  • I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?
  • I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  • Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
  • I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
  • Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?
  • You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
  • I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
  • You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
  • My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?

Uber Pickup

Try telling this joke the next time you're trying to pick up a girl.

Three flies are stuck in a jar. Two female flies and one male fly. For some reason the female flies have it in their heads that the male knows how to get out. The first female fly buzzes over the the male and asks him how to get out of the jar.

"Make love to me and I'll tell you."

She's desperate to get out, so she agrees.

"What you need to do is, start flying around the top to get some speed, dive toward the bottom and pull up to the top at the last second and you'll [snap your fingers ] pop right out."

So she does exactly as he says. Right as she pulls up toward the top [smack your hand] SPLAT! She hits the lid and falls down dead.

So the second female fly, because flies are dumb, goes over the the male fly and asks him the same thing, how to get out of the jar.

"Make love to me and I'll tell you."

She too is desperate to get out, so she agrees.

"What you need to do is, start flying around the top to get some speed, dive toward the bottom and pull up to the top at the last second and you'll [*snap] pop right out."

So she also does exactly as he says. Right as she pulls up toward the top [*smack your hand] SPLAT! She hits the lid and falls down dead.

So now this male fly is in a jar with two dead female flies, and he wants out. So he flies around the top to get some speed, dives toward the bottom, pulls up at the last second, and [*snap] pops right out.

You know she's going to ask you how he got out, and you say.......

Under a Rock

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"