Jokes about Families - Mother Jokes

10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike. Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now. He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating "Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man." Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room. Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating "Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man." Once again he backs out quietly. Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her. Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams "I GOT IT !!!!!!" Johnny peels off all of his clothes, lies naked on his bed and started to rub all over himself repeating "Oh, I need a bike! Ohhhh I need a bike!"

Q: Can your mother predict the future with cards?

A: Yes! She takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

John: "I'm glad you named me John."

Mother: "Why?"

John: "Because that's what all the kids at school call me."

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat"

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time."  

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida.  However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.

"Everything's ok over here" Paddy said.  "Except you're cat. It's dead!"

"Oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!"

"What do you mean?" replied Paddy. "Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree.  The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down.  On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg.  Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic," explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologized and another week went by.  One day O'Leary got another phone call.  It was Paddy again.  "All right O'Leary," he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma -She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down!"

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said, "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said, "I only asked for a convertible."

The dad replied, "The convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."