Q: How come the Black population of Windsor Ontario never changes?
A: Because when the baby is born the father moves back to Detroit.
Irish Scuba Divers
An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat!"
Murphy the Drunk
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
Building the Chunnel
As the UK and French governments began plans for the Chunnel (English Channel Tunnel), they realized they didn't have the ability to build it themselves, so they put the project out for bid. Three teams: a German team, a Japanese team, and an Irish team submitted proposals and were asked to present their proposals to the selection committee.
The German team led off the presentations, with their main selling point being their engineering prowess. The german presenter showed their latest generation tunnel boring machines with laser guided accuracy, impressing the committee. The german concluded his presentation saying, "For 2 billion Euros, Ve will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and one vear later we will meet in the middle vit and be less than 1 meter off!"
The Japanese had a tough act to follow, but they knew their process quality techniques and enhanced productivity were better. The Japanese presenter showed their latest tunnel boring machines with advanced radar, their acumen in statistical process control, then bowed and stated, "For 1.8 billion Euros, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, and 9 months later, we will meet in the middle and be less than 1 centimeter off!"
The Irish team knew they were in trouble, but really believed in the work ethic of their people, so they decided to pitch their strengths. The Irishman looked the committee in the eyes as stated, "For 1 billion Euros and 40,000 kegs of Guinness, we will bore from both sides of the tunnel, hic, and if we don't meet in the middle you'll get TWO tunnels for the price of ONE!"
Mexican Mosh Pit
Q: What do you call a bunch of Mexicans in a mosh pit?
A: A bean dip.