Texan Buys Spread

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel. "Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid, "Ah'm looking to buy me a ranch - stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."

Menu Item Translations

The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.

• Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
• Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
• Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
• French fried ships - Cairo
• Garlic Coffee - Europe
• Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
• Boiled Frogfish - Europe
• Sweat from the trolley - Europe
• Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
• Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
• Roasted duck let loose - Poland
• Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
• Fried friendship - Nepal
• Strawberry crap - Japan
• Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
• Toes with butter and jam - Bali
• French Creeps - L.A.
• Fried fishermen - Japan
• Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
• Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
• Product Names Clean Finger Nail - Chinese
• Japanese mineral water Creap Creamy Powder - Japan
• Coffee Creamer Swine - China
• Chocolates Libido - China
• Soda Pocari Sweat - Japan
• Sport drink Shocking - Japan
• Chewing gum Cat Wetty - Japan
• Moistened hand towels Pipi - Yugoslavia
• Orangeade Polio - Czechoslovakia
• Laundry detergent Crundy - Japan
• Gourmet candy Superglans - Netherlands
• Car wax I'm Dripper - Japan
• Instant coffee Zit - Greece
• Soft drink Colon Plus - Spain

Bus Driver

I went out drinking on St. Patrick's Day, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.