Slit your wrists, it will lower your blood pressure.
Front Desk Call
A man calls the hotel front desk. "Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?" "My wife is trying to jump out of the window..." "Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smart-ass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"
Die Hard Fans
A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.
Suicidal Stanley Cup
Ron Hextal, the Flyer's goalie, was so upset about losing the Stanley Cup that he decided to commit suicide, so he jumped out in front of a bus. It went through his legs.
A guy came home one day after getting fired from work. He was so depressed that he decided to end it all and kill himself. He went to the medicine cabinet, pulled out a bottle and began to swallow a handful of Prozac pills he found there. After the first few he felt a lot better.