Dark Humor Jokes - Suicide Jokes

Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?

A: Because he saw his gas bill.

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like

So I told him, "C4 yourself"

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

At the Polish-Russian border, a Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here at the border!"

"What? Oh please no! The paperwork! And in 30 minutes we'd be relieved and I want to go on vacation. C'mon, help me, we take him down and hang him over to the Polish side, let them deal with the guy!"

And they do. They cut down the corpse and carry it over a few yards past the border to tie him back up onto a Polish tree. Quickly they walk on and finish their patrol.

Not even an hour later, a Polish patrol comes along. The guard sees something dangle in the wind, he pauses, stares at it wide-eyed, and yells

"I can't believe it! Miroslav, come quick! He is back!"

I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide.

The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"