Shooting Practice

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself." The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

Seattle 911

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.
They said just do it.
 

Irishman Suicide

Q: What happened to the Irishman who tried to kill himself by  swallowing 100 pain killers?
A: After two he began to feel better.