An alcoholic is just someone who is having a medicinal drink for a terminal illness
Flea In The Ear
Q: What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
A: Shot it!
Beat The Casino
Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers.
Q: Why aren't there more jokes about Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."