Can I Take His Place
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
Show Some Respect
A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel. He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom. Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom? The pimp told him "To show respect for the dead."
The Guy Who Invented the Hokey Pokey's Funeral
Earlier this week I went to the guy who invented the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in, then took his left leg out, they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about. Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out, they put his left leg in and they shook it all about, and so on and so forth until he was totally in
You know you're getting old when you tell someone you woke up with a stiffy and they think your wife died in her sleep.
John and Brandon meet in the clubhouse of the golf course. John says to Brandon, "I hear you had a tragedy while golfing last week." Brandon says, "Yes, I was playing with David and at the end of the ninth hole he dropped dead!" John says, "Someone told me you carried him back to the clubhouse. That must have been tough without a cart. He weighed over two hundred pounds, right?" Brandon says, "Well, the carrying part wasn't so hard. It was putting David down for every stroke and picking him up again that got to me."