What Not To Say At A Funeral
What Not To Say At A Funeral
- I'm not convinced. I'm going to go give her a good shaking?
- I'm sure we'll all be laughing about this in no time!
- It's funny, we all thought you'd be the first to go, Grandpa.
- You know, your husband never paid back that $50 he owed
Can I Take His Place
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
Show Some Respect
A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel. He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom. Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom? The pimp told him "To show respect for the dead."
The Camping Trip
Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed. So around six the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful." James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day." Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?" "Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"
John and Brandon meet in the clubhouse of the golf course. John says to Brandon, "I hear you had a tragedy while golfing last week." Brandon says, "Yes, I was playing with David and at the end of the ninth hole he dropped dead!" John says, "Someone told me you carried him back to the clubhouse. That must have been tough without a cart. He weighed over two hundred pounds, right?" Brandon says, "Well, the carrying part wasn't so hard. It was putting David down for every stroke and picking him up again that got to me."