Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.
Teacher: "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny: "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandpa got burnt yesterday."
Teacher: "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny: "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know."
Tap Tap Tap
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tap noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Dave's Adventure In A Cave (Limerick)
There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!
Don't Take Chances with Mother-in-laws
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
Hillary's Wake-up Call
Hillary phoned Trump's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to President Trump, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary. After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning,” grumbled Trump.“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary. “Well, it’s Okay with me if it’s Okay with the mortuary,” replied President Trump.