Dave's Adventure In A Cave (Limerick)
There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!
Mortuary Answering Machine
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher.
Teacher: "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny: "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandpa got burnt yesterday."
Teacher: "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny: "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know."
Tap Tap Tap
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tap noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"