Hockey

Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell. Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty. Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out "Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!"

Heffner Seance

The Heffner family recently held a seance at the Playboy mansion and successfully contacted their father. He had one urgent message and requested that his family get the word out immediately.
The message is: "Tell the Muslims there aren't any virgins left."

Seattle 911

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.
They said just do it.