Dark Humor Jokes

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure  "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up." The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!"

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Crosley, but we have some information about your wife."  "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"  Fearing the worse, Mr. Crosley said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."  "Oh my god!," said Mr. Crosley, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."  "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Crosley demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

Last night I was at the bar when the waitress screamed...

"Anyone know CPR?"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

Well, except one guy.

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today? We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death.

Q:  What do true rednecks do on Halloween?

A:  Pump kin.