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The best jokes and joke writers!

True Rednecks on Halloween?

Q:  What do true rednecks do on Halloween?

A:  Pump kin.

Explaining His Claim

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, what the heck would you have said to him?"

Role Reversal

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives! She approached one of the women for an explanation, "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

Only Two Bullets

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice

Golfer Pays His Respects

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years!"