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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Irishman at Auschwitz

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar.  Mick's looking particularly sad and Patrick asks him what the matter is.

Mick says, "Well, I knew that my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he actually died in the Auschwitz concentration camp."

Patrick says, "That's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "No, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

Sex With Teacher

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

Found Dead

Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?

A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.

The Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house."   Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."  The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies, "This car only has one airbag."

Sexually Active

A redneck brings his daughter to the gynecologist for birth control pills. The doctor asks, "Is your daughter sexually active?" The redneck says, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."