Teed Off

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Verne: "That's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged in her ass."
Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Verne: "That was my mulligan." 

The Right Rhythm

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

The Cannibal Test

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.  First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. 
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him.  You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.  
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.  When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked,"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"