Is That a Roll of Quarters in Your Pocket?
A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Infinite Mathematicians in a Bar
An infinite crowd of mathematicians enter a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a quarter pint. The bartender says, "Ok, I get it!" and pours two pints.
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.
Bartender Robbed and Harrassed
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
Ostrich & Pussy Cat
A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.
He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."
They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks. After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.
The ostrich walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whiskey for the cat."
He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them. When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whiskey for the cat."
The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round, but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."
"What did you wish for?" asked the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"