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The best jokes and joke writers!

Puppies Don't Surf The Web

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

  • Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
  • Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
  • Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
  • Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
  • Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
  • Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
  • Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
  • Cause dogs aren't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
  • Barking in the next cubical keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
  • SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
  • SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
  • Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
  • Butt-sniffing is more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

A Gruesome Murder

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Computer Dog

Q: What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiler?

A: A computer with a lot of bites!

Dogs Rules For Christmas

  1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
  2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
  3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
  4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
    a. Don't pee on the tree
    b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
    c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
    d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
    e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
  5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
    a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
    b. Don't eat off the buffet table
    c. Beg for goodies subtly
    d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
    e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
  6. 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
    a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
    b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
    c. Tolerate children
    d. Turn on your charm big time
  7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Don't bite him!

K9 Cowboy Riddles

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?

A: "Well, doggone!"