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The best jokes and joke writers!

Problem with a dog

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

Facts of Life

  • Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes, there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
  • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
  • Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
  • Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
  • Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
  • A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
  • A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Telling the Difference

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." "Okay, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing." "There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

Sounds Like

Q: What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

A: A Yankee Poodle.

Dogs Rules For Christmas

  1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
  2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
  3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
  4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
    a. Don't pee on the tree
    b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
    c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
    d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
    e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
  5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
    a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
    b. Don't eat off the buffet table
    c. Beg for goodies subtly
    d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
    e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
  6. 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
    a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
    b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
    c. Tolerate children
    d. Turn on your charm big time
  7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. Don't bite him!