Dog and Cat Diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.  Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs. 
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

Doesn't it annoy you when

• ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
• ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
• ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
• ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
• ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
• ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
• ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
• ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
• ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
• ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
• ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
• ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
• ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
• ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
• ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Special Days

Yesterday was international women's equality day and international dog day.
What a great day for bitches.