Bear In A Bar

A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a .............................. packet of peanuts."

The bartender said, "Why the big paws?"

9 Signs Santa Has Been Drinking

1. While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
2. You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathalyzer.
3. Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
4. You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
5. Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
6. After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
7. This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
8. He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
9. Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never stand him up and never let him down.  She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.  She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.  She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.  She will make sure he always feels as thought he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible....
No wait....SORRY.  I was thinking of whiskey.  It's whiskey that does all that shit.  Never mind....