Alcohol Jokes

Q: What's the best way to torture a man?

A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had. The clerk replied "Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation." The clerk said "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!" One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. “Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again,” he says. The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. “You missed the best act,” says his friend. “While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and pissed into the orchestra pit.”

Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?

A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

A juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"