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The best jokes and joke writers!

A gruesome discovery

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him. "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity over-coming her, she lifted the kilt.then let it go,"Oh, it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."

Wee Jordan

One day wee Jordan was out walking with his lass in the fields of Scotland. While walking through the heather the lass says; "ah wee Jordan I can tell you want to hold my hand!" Wee Jordan says "aye lass that I do, but how can you tell?" "Well" she says "I can tell by the gleam in your eye." Walking along a bit further she says to him "wee Jordan I can tell you want to give me a kiss". "Well, aye lass that I do, but how can you tell?" "Ah wee Jordan, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!" Walking along a bit further she says "Wee Jordan I can tell you want to make love to me." He says, "Aye lass that I do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!" "No!" she says... "by the tilt in your kilt!"

My Guinness

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guinness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Have a Another Drink

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whiskey. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

Proper Passing

McTavish is on his death bed. He calls over his friend Hamish and says, “I have a bottle of 25-year-old whisky under my pillow. When I’m dead would you do me a kindness and pour it over my grave?” “Of course I will,” replies Hamish. “Though I might be passing it through my kidneys first.”