Alcohol Jokes

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

"Google will tell you that the number one sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I feel that the number one sign of alcoholism is having to Google 'number one sign of alcoholism.' 

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." - William Butler Yeats

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." - Ernest Hemingway

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

"Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. - Anonymous

"No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink." - G.K. Chesterton

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." - Catherine Zandonella

"Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. " - Anonymous

"Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls." -  Ross Levy

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." - - W.C. Fields

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" - W.C. Fields

"Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder." - Anonymous

"If God had not intended us to drink beer, He would not have given us stomachs." David Daye

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." - Oscar Wilde

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life." - Michelle Mastrolacasa

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" - Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven." - Brian O'Rourke

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." - Frank Zappa

"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

"He was a wise man who invented beer." - Plato

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." - Deep Thought, Jack Handy

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." - Dave Barry

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." - Humphrey Bogart

"Why is Australian beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine." - David Moulton

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." - Kaiser Wilhelm

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." - Homer Simpson

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." - George Jean Nathan

"I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." - Homer Simpson

Crème de menthe is just mouthwash for alcoholics.

My last girlfriend was the Green Lady... of course I'm talking about absinthe.