Profession Jokes - Pilot Jokes
I Need Some Wine
Louis, the French Fighter Pilot, was lying with his mistress naked in bed. As he was kissing her red, red lips, he stopped. "To kiss your red lips, I need red wine." So he poured red wine over her lips and continued to kiss her. He moved on to her white, white breasts. "To kiss your white breasts, I need white wine." So he poured white wine over her breasts and continued to kiss them. He then moved on to her bush. He poured brandy all over it and set it alight. "Louis!" she screamed. "What are you doing?"
"Baby," he said, "when I go down, I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"
Hang Glider Pilot Stories
Three hang-glider pilots, one Irish, one Australian, and one South African, were in the Australian outback in the shadow of Aer's Rock, setting up camp for the night and telling tales of their incredible bravado. "I once crash-landed in a mangrove swamp," said the Australian, "where there were 6 men all being torn apart by vicious crocodiles. I eviscerated all the crocs and then flew the men to safety with my hang-glider." "That's nothing," said the South African. "I once flew 200 miles over the Pacific to rescue a fallen hang-glider who was being eaten by a vicious Great White Shark. I then ate the Great White Shark and flew my friend to safety." The Irishman said nothing, and continued to poke the fire with his cock.
Two pilots, Rick and Dick, are flying when they start talking about the new flight attendant. Rick said, "Have you seen Svetlana, she's absolutely stunning." Dick replied, "Seen her? I already did her after a flight last week!" Rick said, "Wow man, was she good?" Dick replied, "Well she's not as good as other flight attendants but still better than my wife." So Rick said, "Well I gotta try this out."
So after the flight he gets a drink with Svetlana and one thing leads to another. The next flight Dick asks, "So, what did you think?"
Rick replied, "You're right, we do have hotter flight attendants, but she was definitely still better than your wife."
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."
Make the Whole Country Happy
Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."