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The best jokes and joke writers!

Texas Plastic Surgeons

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

Congressman Condit

Q: Why does Congressman Gary Condit wear pants?

A: To keep his ankles warm!

Writtin in Urine

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.  Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well, don't just sit there!  Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!...Well, what's the REALLY bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

Definition of a Lawyer

Q:  What's the definition of lawyer?

A:  The larval form of a politician.

Who's In Charge?

Try to imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

  • 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
  • 7 have been arrested for fraud
  • 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
  • 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
  • 3 have done time for assault
  • 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
  • 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
  • 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
  • 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
  • 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.