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The best jokes and joke writers!

Mentally Disabled in a Suit

Q: What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?

A: Mr. President.

Clinton in Oz!

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain." "Done" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done." Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?" And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"

Writtin in Urine

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.  Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well, don't just sit there!  Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!...Well, what's the REALLY bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

Definition of a Lawyer

Q:  What's the definition of lawyer?

A:  The larval form of a politician.

Who's In Charge?

Try to imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

  • 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
  • 7 have been arrested for fraud
  • 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
  • 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
  • 3 have done time for assault
  • 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
  • 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
  • 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
  • 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
  • 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.