Profession Jokes - Politician Jokes
Government Wrestling Federation
- Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
- President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
- IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
- Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...
- Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
- Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
- January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids.
- Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
- During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
- Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
- Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
- Line to body-slam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
- Before: "Mr. Vice President." After: "Stone Cold Cheney"
Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?
A: Because he had a hor-monica.
Writtin in Urine
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says, "I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!...Well, what's the REALLY bad news?"
The officer replies, "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
Definition of a Lawyer
Q: What's the definition of lawyer?
A: The larval form of a politician.
Who's In Charge?
Try to imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
- 7 have been arrested for fraud
- 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
- 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
- 3 have done time for assault
- 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
- 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
- 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
- 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.