Murphy's Work Laws

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

In The Groove

This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.”

Air Traffic Controller Comments

 Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
 A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."
Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat. 
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City... KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles. "Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic? " Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." 
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."