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The best jokes and joke writers!

Sick and Pompous General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room. His meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. One afternoon, an orderly entered the room.

"Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.

The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew

.An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

Knockout Decisions

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

The Photographer and the Pilot

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.  When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.

He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.  He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.  He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!''

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.  The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Full Disclosure

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Little Johnny - Stupid

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."