French Impressionist Painting

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

Indian Maiden Reward

A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods. The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate and reward the hunter for saving his life. At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife." The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, topless, before them. With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have nipples on their breasts. "Why don't these maidens have nipples on their breasts?" he asks the chief. The chief turns to the hunter with surprise: "What -- you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

Be Politically Correct With Men

• He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
• He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
• He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
• He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
• He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
• He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
• He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
• He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
• He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
• He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
• He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
• He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
• He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
• He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
• He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
• He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.