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The best jokes and joke writers!

Feather Line

Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous brunette comes in. The first guy says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" "What Did You Just Say?" she asks. "Particularly nasty weather," he replies. The brunette says, "Oh," and leaves. Then a really hot redhead walks in. The first guy looks in her eyes and says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" Her face lights up and she purrs, "Yeah!" So they leave and two hours later the first guy comes back for another drink. Shocked, the second guy asks the first one how he did it. He explains that he uses the line on every woman, and if they're shocked he covers by saying, "Particularly nasty weather," but otherwise, some girls are up for it. Eager to try it, the second guy waits for another woman to enter the bar. Soon a blonde walks in. He nervously says, "Stick your ass with a feather?" "EXCUSE ME?" shouts the blonde. The guy reddens and stutters, "Uh, sorry, um... did you know it's fucking raining out?"

Temperature Changes

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

When It Gets Hot

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert. The Dutchman says: "I'll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot." The German says: "I'll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!" The Belgian remains silent. Next day:  the Dutchman and the German are astonished. "What's that?" they both shout. The Belgian answers: "It's a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot..."

You are from Canada

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....

  • You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
  • You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  • The mosquitoes have landing lights.
  • You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
  • You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
  • Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
  • You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
  • You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
  • You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
  • At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  • The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
  • Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
  • You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
  • You head south to go to your cottage.
  • You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
  • You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  • The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
  • You find -40C a little chilly.
  • The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
  • You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
  • You can play road hockey on skates.
  • You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
  • The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
  • You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.

Frostbite

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.