Close Your Eyes
Q: Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex ?
A: Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right," said the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family." The bride took off her panties and asked her new husband to try them on. "No way. I can't get into your panties." he said. "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude."
The Fowl-Mouthed Parrot!
A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!" "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school. "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!" Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work."Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
The Barracks Door Was Left Open
Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office. "By the way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?" "Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Michigan." And they say blondes are dumb...