Little Old Ladies
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" "One that would fit a Camel."
HER PERFECT DAY:
- 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
- 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
- 9:30 - Light breakfast
- 11:00 - Sunbathe
- 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
- 1:45 - Shopping
- 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
- 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
- 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
- 10:00 - Make love
- 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIS PERFECT DAY:
- 10:00 - Wake up
- 10:02 - SEX
- 10:10 - Big Breakfast
- 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
- 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
- 3:15 - SEX
- 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
- 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
- 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
- 6:40 - SEX
- 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
- 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
- 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
- 11:10 - Sleep
- 2:30 - Fart
Q: What's the best way to torture a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
Remove My Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife."