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The best jokes and joke writers!

Perfect Day

HER PERFECT DAY:

  • 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
  • 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
  • 9:30 - Light breakfast
  • 11:00 - Sunbathe
  • 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
  • 1:45 - Shopping
  • 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
  • 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
  • 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
  • 10:00 - Make love
  • 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIS PERFECT DAY:

  • 10:00 - Wake up
  • 10:02 - SEX
  • 10:10 - Big Breakfast
  • 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
  • 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
  • 3:15 - SEX
  • 3:25 - Play sports with the guys
  • 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
  • 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
  • 6:40 - SEX
  • 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
  • 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Schiffer
  • 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
  • 11:10 - Sleep
  • 2:30 - Fart

Little Old Ladies

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" "One that would fit a Camel."

Why They Call It the Wonder Bra

Q:  Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A:  When you take it off you wonder where her tits went!

Wife Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."  The first two guys were amazed.  "What happened then?" they asked.  "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

Female Desire

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A: Money