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The best jokes and joke writers!

Vending Machine and Monica Lewinsky

Q: How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?

A: They both have a place where you "Insert Bill Here"!

Can I Smell Something

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?" The woman is outraged and answers with a stern,
"Of course not!" The drunk man replies...
"Oh, then it must be your feet."

Why Men Name Penises

Q: Why do men name their penises?

A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions!

Still in Mourning

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.  Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.  Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.  Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"  She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."  He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"  He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"

Camo Test

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the big one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!"