Sex Jokes - Private Parts
Arthritis Is So Cruel
"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease." "Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked. "You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."
Men Making Eye Contact
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes!
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Vending Machine and Monica Lewinsky
Q: How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?
A: They both have a place where you "Insert Bill Here"!
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the big one say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!"