Rabbi's Anniversary Present
A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you. "The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this." The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
So I went to a mixed religion convention. The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!” I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me” The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!” I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.
First he goes to the French and says: "I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?" "Ah, oui? What do zey say?" "For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery" "Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.
The Angel then goes to the Germans: "I have new Commandments from God." "Ja? Vat do they say?" "Well for example: Thou shalt not kill" The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"
The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says: "I have new Commandments from God..." "How much?" "Well...they're free"
"We'll take ten."
Jews in Mexico?
A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican replies, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”
The Rabbi rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community." No one moved. The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."