A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the and praying?" "For about 50 years." "What do you pray for?" "For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Religious Golf Match
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, prime minister of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Phil Mickleson. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Netanyahu... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Phil was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Mickleson reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Mickleson. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Netanyahu?!!" "No," said Mickleson, "second to Rabbi Woods."
The Rabbi rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community." No one moved. The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!" Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
There was a young rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to the congregation that he will be leaving for a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a silence. No one wants him to leave. Cohen, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new BMW every year, and his lovely wife with a Range Rover, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs and applauds. Feinstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands up and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a college fund to guarantee the college education of his children!" More sighs and applause. Old Mrs. Horowitz, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I will have sex with him!" There is a silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Horowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Horowitz answers, "I just asked Mr. Horowitz what we could do to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Horowitz said, "F*ck the rabbi."
Rabbi's Anniversary Present
A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you. "The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this." The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."