Write and Wrong

A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places.
God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping it'll be better.
In Heaven too he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an over heated room, being whipped mercilessly.
So he turns to God and says, "But they're both the same!"
To which God replies, "Oh no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!"

The Vicar's Sunday Morning Walk

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said, "Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?".  The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also, as I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"

Government and Religion

A minister was asked by a politician, "Name something the government can do to help the church." The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."