Jew Praying to God

A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.
God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!
The Jew says okay God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred million dollars worth of diamonds around the neck of each of my 5 children, in my Rolls Royce parked next to our 2 Ferraris and 2 Lamborghinis near the enclosed heated Olympic sized swimming pool of our new 50,000 sq.ft. bungalow in our 50 acre property in Beverly Hills.'
God: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews!

God & The Two Gifts

When God created the earth, then Adam and Eve, he found he had two baubles left over.  He came to Adam and Eve and said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."  Adam got very excited, "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."  So Eve smiled and said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that."  As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiosity, "What was the other gift?".  "Oh,"  God said, looking at Eve with a smile, "Multiple orgasms!".

Biblical Bumper Stickers

• Adam: "You are what you eat." Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
• Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
• Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
• Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
• Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
• Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
• Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."
• At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
• At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"