Chinese and Spielberg
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here!"
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese!" "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me!"
The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same!"
A Muslim immigrant in Dearborn Michigan goes to a Doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
The Doctor examines him and then says, "You need to take a bucket, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage, then piss and shit in it for a week. Hold your face over the bucket, put a towel over your head, and inhale the vapors for 3 days".
The man follows the Doctors's orders and returns in a week, telling the Doctor, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick."
Welcome to Hell
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
Devil: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure I love to drink.
Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. We call it Tequila Monday and that's all we do. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!
Guy: No way!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...
Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!
Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
Devil: So... are you gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you're gonna HATE Fridays!
A zebra dies and goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter, "Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes."
St. Peter, "I can't answer that question... but see God walking around over there? Ask him."
Zebra goes to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"
God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are."
Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter. "What did He say?" asks St. Peter.
"Oh," replies the zebra. "He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes."
"Oh, that's easy," says St. Peter. "You are white with black stripes."
"How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says St. Peter, "if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'"
Q: Why did the black man convert to Catholicism?
A: So he could finally have a father.