Make a Deal
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's... Father O'Malley!"
A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate." They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money." He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more." He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled: "Shit!" It took him two weeks to air out the church.
Black and Jewish
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
First Black Man
Q: What did God say when he made the first black man?
A: "Damn, I burnt one."
Yo Mama - Hi Five God
Yo' Mama so fat, I can stand on her belly and high-five God.