Shots Fired

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.  After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor,  they called their sergeant for advice on his cell phone. 
  
 "Hello Sarge.”      "Yes.” 
 "It looks like we have a homicide here. “
 "What happened?”
 "A woman shot her husband for walking on the wet floor she had just mopped.” 
 "Have you placed her under arrest?”
 "No sir.  The floor is still wet."

Paradox of Woman

• If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
• If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.
• If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.
• If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.
• If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
• If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.
• If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.
• If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
• If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she says that's a girl's way.
• If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
• If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
• If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
• If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
• If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

Two Hours

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."