Jumping the Gun
I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.
A Woman with Two Black Eyes
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing! You already told her twice!
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant for advice on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge.” "Yes.”
"It looks like we have a homicide here. “
"A woman shot her husband for walking on the wet floor she had just mopped.”
"Have you placed her under arrest?”
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
OJ Simpson in West Virginia?
Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: How do you get a Rams fan to stop beating his wife?
A: Put her in a Patriots jersey