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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Girl With Two Black Eyes?

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

Granny Rules

My Grandad was wounded by a German during the war

Granny Schneider found him in bed with another woman and shot him

A Woman with Two Black Eyes

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing! You already told her twice!

Women's T-Shirt Sayings

  • I'm out of estrogen. I have a gun.
  • Guys have feelings, too. But like... who cares?
  • I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
  • I hate everybody, and you're next.
  • Please don't make me kill you.
  • And your point is ...
  • I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
  • I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
  • Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
  • Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
  • You KNOW you want me. 
  • Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
  • Of course I don't look busy. . . I did it right the first time.
  • Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
  • I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
  • Do NOT start with me. You won't win.
  • You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
  • All stressed out and no one to choke.
  • I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?
  • Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
  • If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
  • Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
  • Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.

Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.