My Grandad was wounded by a German during the war
Granny Schneider found him in bed with another woman and shot him
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant for advice on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge.” "Yes.”
"It looks like we have a homicide here. “
"A woman shot her husband for walking on the wet floor she had just mopped.”
"Have you placed her under arrest?”
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date. Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?'' And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.'' Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.'' Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!'' Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
Q: Did you hear about the new product line Bobby Brown is endorsing?
A: Bathtub lifejackets.
The Girl With Two Black Eyes?
Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.