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The best jokes and joke writers!

Jumping the Gun

I went to a crematorium to plan my wife's funeral, but apparently she has to be dead first.

The Girl With Two Black Eyes?

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

Granny Rules

My Grandad was wounded by a German during the war

Granny Schneider found him in bed with another woman and shot him

A Woman with Two Black Eyes

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing! You already told her twice!

Shots Fired

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.  After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor,  they called their sergeant for advice on his cell phone. 
  
 "Hello Sarge.”      "Yes.” 

 "It looks like we have a homicide here. “

 "What happened?”

 "A woman shot her husband for walking on the wet floor she had just mopped.” 

 "Have you placed her under arrest?”

 "No sir.  The floor is still wet."